So the other day my roomie decides to tell me the wonder news of her going to San Diego.  Why? I asked her.  So she proceeds to tell me that she is going to go and see a friend of ours that we were stationed together in Hawaii.  Our little Cuban Firecracker.  She is now stationed out here in Cali.  In the wonder city of San Diego. 

I was so happy to hear that she was going to go.  I know that have not seen each other in about 2 or 3 years.  To be honest neither have I.  I am a bit Jealous of the whole situation.  She gets to go and see her and her baby.  Our adopted nephew *smile*.  But I know it will be fun for her to go out there and catch up on good times.  She needs that. 

So on top of that… I was talking to my military brother about silent going down there to see her.  He got so excited that he decided to call up to San Diego and ask her if he could come up there too.  (Sorry Silent but it was my fault that he found out that you were going)  So now he is going to be there too. 

Its going to be the old Hawaii crew back together for a weekend … with out me of course.  But I will make sure to call them on a hourly basis cause I know something is going to happen.  God I can only imagine the stories that Silent is going to have when she gets back.  I HATE YOU … LOL

It started with a dream I had the other night.  And it ended with the reality of death. 

Its funny how when someone close to you dies … or even someone you knew well enough to have some kind of emotional ties …  it feels like a chapter has just ended.  The memories are the only things you have left of that person whether they are good or bad.  They are the only things that you have.  Should it really take a drastic measure like their death to make you realize the importance they had?  The effect they caused in your way of thinking or your everyday things.  Things that you would have never thought twice about.

I started  thinking … remembering the small things … those are the hardest to deal with.  The ways they used to make you smile.  What they told you when you hurt yourself.  The tender words they used to give to help comfort you.  The tenderness of their eyes. 

I can’t help but remember … I can’t help but regret that I never got to say goodbye.  I hate that I have not released any emotion to your death.  I believe I can only get stronger from this.  You were important to me, but you will never know how much. 

I Won’t Shed No Tears … I Can’t Share No Sorrow

I Can’t Shed No Tears … I Won’t Share No Sorrow

“Hey, I am on my lunch and I just wanted to call you and say hi.”

There is a strong affinity between a Sagittarian and an Aquarian.Each makes a strong impact on the other alone when necessary. Both have an independent streak and need freedom.They will attract many people and share the resulting pleasure and reciprocal benefits.When these two get together they'll teach each other the abc's of amour through their terrific thirst for knowledge. There's almost nothing that won't crop up in the conversations of this couple. Love will grow as these two discuss and debate from dawn to dusk.

Their intellectual rapport will be ravishing and they can communicate with each other till the earth goes flat. That'll give them a head start when they need to sort out any romantic wrinkles, because they'll understand each other. Sexually, Sagittarius is a sign that the Aquarian can really get to grips with.This pair is poised for stacks of sexual fun and games.Together they can embark on a congenial journey of emotional exploration,ambling down avenues of amor that other couples can encounter as cul-de-sacs.

Fuck  VH1’s Best Week Ever show … Today its all about NightCrawler’s best day ever!!!

Ha ha ha … I am just having a party in my head this morning.  I don’t know what it is about today, but I am just having the best morning.  The music is pouring out of my speakers and the sun is out and it is beautiful outside.  Why am I inside on the computer???  I have no Idea!!!!!  Other than the fact that I have to write a paper for class on Thursday …. But I got this urge to write in my blog this morning.  None of that sappy shit from the past two days.  LOL   This is more of an excitement kinda party in my head moment. 

I woke up this morning feeling like I was on top of the world.  I had a cheesy ass grin on my face and my boy was lookin at me all crazy.  “What are you so happy about?”  He asked as he rolled over in the bed.  I just laid there with this smile and all I could think about was getting up and writing my paper.  Why am I excited to write today???  I am in still in shock about the whole thing LOL.   I think a lot of it has to do with last night. 

After work I got a phone call from my friend silent.  She seemed a bit excited and a little panicked when she answered the phone.  “Hey what are you doin?”  She asked.  “Me and **** are hanging out tonight.  When are you coming home?” 

I was in the middle of my class meeting when she called so I told her I would be home in about 30 min or so.  “Good cause I asked your boy to come over so he is on his way.  This way we can double date.” 

Great …. Was all I could think about …I get to watch Silent drool over **** and then go home wet and we have no mop to clean with.  Ewe that was a nasty analogy huh?  Oh well, It’s true. 

So I got home and the girls in the living room eating chips and guac.  Finally my other half arrived and we all went out to dinner.  We ate at this restaurant up the street; we had appetizers and a couple of drinks Extra Dirty if you know what I am talkin about.  If you don’t then you don’t need to be drinkin with us …..  WE like it dirty.  LOL.  As we were eating dinner I sat back and watched as everyone talked with each other.  The more **** drank the more she talked …. I like it when someone who doesn’t open up starts to spill their guts over a few drinks.  I also noticed a bit of flirting going on…… Could this be a straight girl having chemistry with my roommate?  Hummm sounds innnntriguing Mary.  We left the restaurant and headed over to a relaxing bar …. They have couches and coffee tables instead of barstools and counters.  Wait did I mention that at the restaurant both my roomie and our unnamed straight girl shared a hamburger????  Yeah … well the sharing didn’t stop there, no … they had three drinks, one two three at the bar each one they got TWO straws and shared the drinks.  How fucking lovely they could have been the next lady and the tramp …. Sharing each others cherries and meeting at the middle of the stem.  Speaking of stems Silent is hella fast at tying a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth.  She got skills wit dat tongue dayum.  LOL.  Any way we left after those few drinks and came home.  My other roomie Cando*  was home chillin on the computer and we all decided to have a Reggeaton night in the house … just so we could all look and appreciate the way **** moved her body to the beat of the music.    WE enjoyed that for about another hour or so and then it was time for bed.  

So this morning the music is still fresh in my head the sight of **** still dancing in my mind.  LOL the shit eating grin on Silent’s face from last night … hummm I know she had herself a grand ol time.  I think we might need to take her to the dollar store Cando*  she needs a little sumtin sumtin. LOL.  Well back to the paper and the party up in my head … I think the stripper is about to enter the party … yeah!!!!!!!   LOL until next time you all bye.

I think I have fallen for you.  I don’t know what it is about you that I can’t seem to stop thinking about.  It’s my first time you know.  I have not felt this way in a long time …. The last time was with her.  I thought I would never feel that way again.  I have taken my time to be away from you.  Last night we met, I tried to be strong and I tried not to let my desires escape.   But all I could think about today was how I wanted to be with you.  I can give one more chance to make it work.  I spoke with you today.  Your voice seemed distant.  It’s you leaving me … I can hear it.  I feel the need to apologize … but I did nothing wrong … except for protecting my heart.  I want to share my nights with you and enjoy what days we have.  Time is going to be against us this I know.  If we go day by day and begin anew…time will become unimportant.   Let’s try again … let’s try once more.  I forgive you.  I love you.

Angry words are spoken … mean glares are given.   Hatred boils and LOVE is left only to be desired.  Looks are given and tears are shed.   Vows are broken … in its wake only silence is left.   Fear appears and remorse begins.  Knowing is to late …. Remembering is too soon.  To return to the beginning is to dream of the future.  Pasts have gone … more pasts will come.  Memories become dreams of what could have been.  What could have beens soon drift off into memories.   Sorry is spoken … hatred has lost its edge.   Remorse begins anew… forgiveness is but a word away.  Roses are given …. Sorry is taken … the memory is not forgotten.  To accept it … is to embrace it.  To forgive is to allow the pain back … to let go is to open new doors.  A door leads to change ….. Change means to know what was not known.  A call is given … Silent tears fall … a heart has been broken.   Time has been requested … a meeting has been arranged.  Step one is retraced …. Smiles are exchanged …. Step two is too far to see.  Time slips past………………… . Love begins to drift away…….. To Love is to let go ………………  To Love is to endure pain ………… To Love is to remember ………. To Love is to create Love…… To create Love is to Live.   I Can't Live without you!

MMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmm baby

I miss your kisses

Your hugs … the caresses

I can still smell you.

Your scent lingers in the sheets of my bed.

I lay here tryin to sleep.

The thought of you in my head.

I have been spoiled to have you with me every night.

I need you … but I know I might have to let you go.

You need someone better than me.

A man who has no past.

Is there such a thing…. Yes that I am sure of.

Only you can make me feel this good inside.

It can’t be real.

Boy you got me doin things I never ever would do.

I don’t worry about what others think.

You make me feel normal.

Only you can make me feel like this.

I need you here with me.

I need you to make me feel whole.

Come back to me even if it is for this one night.

I just want to feel safe once again.

One more kiss … one more hug … one last caress.

Baby please just one.

Once again I am left alone in my bed.
The sound of the door closing behind him.
Silence fills my room as the echo from the door fades.
He had to leave again.
My words left echoing in my head.
I gave it all away.
To hopefully have someone to come home to.
I opened up to someone I wanted to be true to. 
And it was too much for him to handle. 
For most people my past is too much of a burden.
It’s true what they say about people like me. 
It doesn't matter if you have tried to change your ways or not. 
Anyone who has seen you or knows you will always look at you in the same light. 
He would’ve rather had a relationship based on lies than on truth. 
Yet he is someone I would like to spend my time with maybe grow old with. 
I have never felt this way before.
It angers me to see him leave, it hurts me to know he won’t try to trust me.
All I want is just a little trust.
I can show you what I am all about with just a little bit of faith.
Past are gone.
Never to repeat themselves.
But you still hold on to them ... Why? 
I know he hurt you … but I am not him!!!!
I have been hurt too many times to tell … now It feels like its happening again.
My heart is beginning to open and you are walking away.
You have left me alone again.
To face the night without you.

It’s been raining all day.  It’s been raining for the past few days as a matter of fact.   The sky has been covered in clouds, casting an eerie gray shadow over us.  Only brief moments of light have broken through but only brief moments.  The clouds are relentlessly drowning us in tears.

The smells of sodden earth and over soaked plants fills the cool wet air.  My breath rises past my lips and into the evening air like a wraith.  It’s cold enough outside to make you bundle up, but it’s warm enough to keep you from running back inside.  The gusts of wind wrap around your body, whipping past clothes and hair.  Chills roll down the back of my neck and into my back then through my legs.  

The colors of twilight reflect off of the many puddles left behind.  Ripples of color roll into each other as the rain hits the puddles left littered in the streets.  Leaves slide past my feet as the rain washes them away and mixes them with the colors of night and the shadows of darkness.  An easy blend of what is alive and what is no longer living. 

Night begins to take over casting out more shadows.  The rain begins to fall faster and more heavily just beyond the shelter of trees.  The street begins to turn into a cold dark alley.  The night lights begin to flicker on.  Snapping and popping then flickering like little fireflies.  Then with an instant, as if someone came outside and hit a switch, the lights lit up all at once casting an eerie glow.  My breath has become more visible … thicker … heavier.  My burdens from within begin to feel like they were escaping with each breath.  Now all things can be forgotten.  

Soon the soothing sound of the rain begins to fill the night air.  Natures own lullaby.  Soon the sights and shadows begin to haze and fade away.   The sounds of my new lullaby begin to echo off into the distance of my mind.  Then all goes black and all the pain has stopped.  I can feel my self being swept away with the leaves.  Just another color added into the nights shadows.

This past weekend was Christmas weekend.   I was off from work for Christmas Eve and Day.  SO I bet you are all wonderin how I spent my Holiday weekend huh?  It starts a few days before Christmas.... To set the mood and the visual.........

I am on my way to work and to be honest I had called a very dear friend of mine.  She told me that I needed to let things go and that if I ended up Depressed again she would kick the shit out of me till I snapped out of it.  I think I might have needed that but after a bottle of hypnotic I quickly forgot about it all.  Actually a day or so after my conversation with my Dear Friend I had another conversation but with my roomie Silent.  This time I came to find out I was being a bit wierd and that I needed to speak to another gay man to try and help me out of my mood.  :lol:  "Thanks but I think it was just a phase I slip into every year about this time." I told her.  

See a bit of background for you all before I go on.  Me and my faily aren't in the best of terms.  But that story is for another time.

I laugh and and we talk about her going over to her family's house on Christmas Eve.  She asked if I would go ... I offered to drop her off and stay for a sec but not a moment longer.  Not tryin to argue the matter she agreed and told me that if it would be better she could have someone else pick her up and take her home.  I disagreed and told her that I wanted to take her just so I could say hi to her parents.  Well after stayin for a few mintues with her and her family I kinda wanted to stay because It made me miss my family ... no matter how much of a difference we have.  But this is her family and she needs to spend time with them alone.  Christmas is family time and no one needs to have an extra person around you know.  We finally leave about 630 in the evening because she had to go to work.  She works at a local bar here in town and I usually go so I can keep her company and dance my ass off.  But tonight it is so I can drink and be merry.  It about that time in life to let go and enjoy the sins of life.  A  new year is approachin and I can correct what I did wrong this year next year.  And the more I drink tha better I will be.

We show up to the bar.  First thing we do after sayin our hellos to the few people that are there, which were the two bartenders one who I might add I would take home and keep as a sex slave.  :lol: The others were the bouncer Aka big teddybear, me and silent, and a few other poor souls who needed the same comfort of liquid death.  I felt at home.  We took shots.  A Scooby snack was the first.  Then next came a surfer on acid and then a Long Island.  But right before the long island and the Surfer.  A dear friend of silents came in.  Lets just say she made her presence known at this bar.  She was a bit out there but to my advantage I am used to havin people like her around.  A few of my military buddies get just as outspoken as she did that night after a few drinks.  *L  oh well whatcha gonna do right?  Well to help make time pass I order a drink and watch as the bartender shook when he mixed my drink.  Damn what I would give to under him when he moves like that *Smile*, okay  a moment of silence please . . . . . . .    Any way i start to talk to this guy cum to find out he is from the same state I am from New Mexico... How awsome is that....we have a common bond already.  I already have a foot in the door.  LOL  no really I think we can be good freinds .... come tot hink about it the world really is not as big as we think it is huh?  Not only is this guy from my home state but he is from my rival highschool.  Granted he maybe way older but turst me when i say its worth the age differance. 

Well 1030 rolls around and the place has only gotten about three more people.  After silent tried to entertain her friend ... which failed cause her buddy was tryin to hit on her with a bit of drunk physcology.  And trust me everyone of you out there who drink knows what I am talkin about.  And if you don't then you must have lived a sheltered life cause if you ain't done it someone has tried to do it to you!!!! LOL
Silent was told she could go home.  By 1035 we were in the car and headed for home.  On the way home I decided I wanted to buy an early Christmas gift.... A bottle of Hypnotic and some Cranberry juice.  Well I stayed home that night while Silent went home to visit family.. my other roomie was MIA and so it was just me and my bottle.  I drank till I passed out.  The next mornin I woke up and went straight for the fridge.  My bottle of hypnotic was empty and I still ahd juice left.  SO I went down to the corner store and bought more.  Hell I needed to finish off the juice with some thing right? 

Later that mornin my roomie C comes in for about an hour or so.  Long enough to drop off my Christmas present (which by the way was way cool.... both my roomies gifts were awsome they got me stuff for my room .....I got two dragons) and then he left.  He went to go see his family.  I stayed home again it felt better to stay home than to go visit other families.  I tried to call mine that day.  Bad Idea but oh well.  Besides the lectures of money and life styles of the dark side I got a hello and merry Christmas, why didn't you go to church.   Well with that I said my goodbyes and forgot about the cranberry and went with str8 hypnotic.  Maybe it would put me in a trance and make it all better. 

A few hours later my roomie comes home. Invites me to the movies and then we end up lyin on the couch asleep.  So much for me gettin up takin a shower and gettin dressed, just so I can lay on the couch.  A short time after that Silent came home.  With food *smile* .... her mom made beans with pork for Chrostmas Eve dinner.  I ate and drank more with Silent.  popped a few Melotonin and passed out .  I had to be at work the next day at 5 am.  So ended my wonder weekend.  This just goes to prove my thoughts are true .... Christmas is just another day, execpt we get to get the day off of work.  I hope you all had a great day off and I hope you have a better New Year!!!!!!

Okay I have tried to post twice already and it keeps getting erased so bear with me while I try it again!!!!!  I am getting so mad about that.  Trust me it is worth writing three times LOL....  :wink:

Sunday I was supposed to be at work..... But I decided to call in sick that day. Its weird I can actually call in sick!!!! WOW this is exciting. Okay for most of you ... you must think that this is a weird thought but for those of you who have been in the service you know where I am coming from. Okay now why did I take a day off well for many reasons. This past week and a half I have worked 9 days straight. I needed more than one day to rest. The other reason was I had plans with friends of mine. A buddy that I met in New Orleans came down to visit Saturday.... can I just take a moment to reflect on the beauty of this man.... he walked into the house and the first thing C said to me was “He’s cute”.   I only smiled in spite of my good taste and said “Is there any doubt?”   

It was a complete shock to me that he was going to be stopping by.  We talked on occasion after he left New Orleans and I was aware that his family lived within the San Fran area.  I only joked with him askin when he was goin to cum over.  LOL  Well on Friday I get a call and he asks if I have plans on Sat night or on Sun.  I asked why and he proceeds to tell me that he plans on stopping by on his way home for Christmas…… Hell like I am gonna say no.  So the plans I did have yeah they got put on the back burner….  Well he comes walkin back into my life and now I am left speechless.  But at least now my roomies know that I am telling the truth when I say I meet cute guys in the military. LOL.  

On to the original story, about my “sick” day from work.  Well that night after P**** left I got a call from a guy that I met a while back about a couple months ago, when I first got here.  He tells me that he is leavin for Iraq and he wants to meet up with me on Sunday.  I remember then that it is his Birthday on Sunday as well.  But not only is it his birthday but it is my roomies work party too.  That Sunday I was supposed to be at work from 11-7pm.  Which ment I would miss out in my boys Birthday and not be able to see him before he leaves to Iraq and I would miss the dinner portion of the party.  So right then I decided to call in sick from work….. Was it worth it you ask.  Hell ya it was … I got to sleep in, chill wit my boy and my roomie, go Christmas shoppin, and party have dinner and free drinks… oh yeah it was all worth the day off.

Yesterday my roomies were chillin in Silents room.  Me..... I was playin a game on the computer.  I had to go to work at 6 and I just wanted to chill and play this cool game I found on the internet.  After about ten minutes I hear her call my name.  I got up and yelled back at her to see what she wanted. 

"Come chill with us"  she said
"Okay" I replied "What are we talkin about?"
"We are talkin about C coming out to one of his freinds" she smiles
"Now all I have to do is tell "...." that I am gay" C says "Hey I will tell him if you tell your sister Silent!" 
"Hell no I aint tellin her shit, whats the point?" 
"Its not like she doesn't know silent.  She is just waiting for you to tell her, I mean you live with two gay guys and she already knows about me and she has already asked about C.  I am sure she can put two and two together."  I laughed

This conversation lasted a while, I found it funny all this time they have told me to be myself and to allow the gayness to come out.  But they are just as worried as I am.  C tells me that I have an advantage over them.  That I am away from home so its okay.  Like being away from my family is going to make it easier to come out.  LOL, if any thing it makes it harder.  See I have tried to tell my parents but that ended up in a diaster and I told them that it was just a phase of life and that I have "Straightened" my life out.  This just made me feel better to see them just as upset about the whole Idea.  I don't feel so crazy.  LOL

Okay, I have been workin my ass off for the last week.  Don't get me wrong its great but I miss the things I left behind.  No one understands, well except for my one roomie Silent.  But even then its different.  She tells me I have a problem LOL.  I don't see it.  I am just being the way I am.... the way I have made my self.  A person with no need to show emotion. 
My other roomie says I need to get over it *L.  Get over what I have no Idea.  This is who I am.  So what if I have a morbid sense of humor.  It makes me laugh.  I guess thats what I miss the most.  Everyone I used to be around enjoyed that sense of humor I presented.  LOL.  They would have laughed at the joke about the old man on roller skates.  I guess my emotions are just a bit more out there this time of year.  To keep my self from cryin I need to find an escape.  In the service it was easy I could drink and find someone to make fun of.  Here I can't.   

This re-adjustment is hard.  I work with civilians..... people who are in things for themselves and nothing more.  There is no loyalty to each other.  I hate that.  Its something I need to deal with and comes to terms with.  How long it will take I have no Idea.  Why is it that you never realize the small things untill after it has gone?  Oh well. 

I have decided to write whatever comes to mind in the next few minutes.  But right now that is a bit hard to do seein that there a thousand things swimmin around. 

  Right now I can see myself in a half empty apt with my two roomies laughin about the crazy woman that is renting to us.  I can see the corner of the room the way it used to be.  With our own unique markings, a few hundred to be exact.   Those were pieces of everyone we had come in contact with.  They all had piece of that wall.  Bur we rook it down to cover it with fresh face.

  I can hear the laughs and giggles echoing in the walls of a bottom floor house made for three.  Jokes only we understood, being said with no words but with looks instead.  Dances being givven with no pole only chairs, clothes well those were optional.  Damn I should have charged a few that day we could have gotten rich quick.  Legally ....

  I can remember the many tries at quick money.  We take one car and turn it around for twice what we paid for it and get 40% of the profit.  Yeah two cars later we better off walkin.  We buy in bulk for a cheaper price and then sell it for normal price.  It worked well for a while but then I got lost it was a long trip back. 

  I just thought of the one night parties cause it was tues and we had no field day.  Or the we just off of were gonna party party.  But my one all time favorite party ... I don't give a fu*k anymore party.  Is there any other type? 

hmmmm.............  good thoughts ............

Okay tonight I had a date (YEA!!!!!!).  It was more or less a blind date ... you know those dates that start off with you talking over the phone.  Where you have these great conversations and so you decided to go out ...on a date.... in person ... no phone required.  You think that because you can have a decent conversation and the person on the other side of the phone sounds somewhat interesting everything will be okay.   Then reality hits you and a guy who looks like an over dressed wanna be rap starr is knocking at your door.  ::?:

MOVIE FLASH BACK:

"What kind of a name is Coyote Ugly?"  ... "You know when you wake up in the morning, after a long night of drinking, and you look over your shoulder and you see someone so hideous, so horrible you would rather chew through your arm than to wake them?   Thats Coyote Ugly!"

Okay Okay maybe it was not that bad but close.  I felt bad for the guy; He drove half way across the city to come visit me and take me out on this highly romantic date.... What was I gonna say GO HOME!!!!!  In a way it was his fault he managed to trick me.  He sent me a picture of himself over a year old.  Do you know how much a person can change in a year?  A LOT. :lol:  

Not to be mean I decided to continue on with this date ... hell if I can't date him as a BF then at least he would make a great friend.... Which means that I only have 9 more to go.  (The friend thing is another story in its self ... I will fill you all in on that soon.)  And he would be one that I don't think anyone in our circle would sleep with.  Then again you never know.  :lol: Dinner was held at the California Pizza Kitchen.  Which I thought in a small way was cute ... He did what most girls I know do on first dates... He ordered a salad *L yes a salad, not a big salad but a half a salad ... poor guy he must be starving right now ... cause Damn I know I am and I ate like a champ *SMILE*. 

We talked about our days and the things we need to get done tomorrow.  I talked about my military career and he talked about his infatuation with the military.  At that moment I knew I had to down play myself ... make myself seem a bit over the top or over dramatic, hell I would have even gone the straight role if he didn't know better.  It seemed as though no matter what I said it just increased his intrest in me.  Oh hell I could have told him I was a stripping mechanic at Wal-Mart who moonlites as a porn star and he would have been happy.  Okay so we make it through dinner .. or should I say I made it through dinner.  Next stop the movies.  SAW here we come .... blood, gore, scariness yeah baby yeah. 

Tell me why we got stuck watchin the Incredibles ... it was my choice but it was either that or The Grudge.  And I had already seen the grudge so The Incredibles it was.  To be honest it was a great cartoon.  I love cartoons and I love super heroes with powers so I was a happy little camper.  My date was not.  He I think fell asleep twice, but hey whos counting.  I really think that if you like cartoons and you are up for a adult family based movie then you need to go and watch this movie.  You will love it.  It has "pretty" graphics and adult humor along with humor for those little kids in all of us. 

So in Closing tonight was a good night. I got a dinner, a movie and a new friend ... I just need to find a way to tell him that.  Oh well I am told I am mean and heartless so it won't be to hard for me I guess. 

So starts my adventures in gay dating.  More stories to come ... nine more if I am counting right.  :lol:   &n bsp;       :8):

Its about 1045 here in the house and I sit here in front of the computer watching the Cristina A concert and I started to think.

I am here in the Gay Mecha of the west coast drinking and having a good ol time.  But there is something missing.  What it is I have not yet found out but it is nagging me.

I am supposed to go out tonight to "latin" night at the Cafe.  I remember how my last night there was on a Thursday.  It was crazy.  Latin men running around going crazy, with White boys losing their minds watching the gay latins go to town on the dance floor, and Black men drooling over the movement of the hips.  Their were strippers there that I would made my spouse (if I was given the opporunity).   Hey Silent you know what I am talking about :wink:.

Which reminds me didn't the stipper couple not proposition you to go home with them? 

I am about to tear it up out there tonight and bring to the cafe the Nawlins way of life.  Like I said earlier in the day ... about me letting loose well this is a great time to start.  So lets see if I can come up with something to tell you all come tomorrow.  Untill then my dears ...... GOOD NIGHT!!!!

Time has passed away and it is time for me to come out of my shell.  I can allow myself the opportunity to be who I am.  The only thing is I have to find out who I am.  I have been hiding in the shadows for such a long time I don't thinK I know who I am anymore.  All I know is that I have tried for so long to make others happy and in that quest I lost myself.

Here I sit at this computer thinking about how things are going to be different.  My friend silent told me that I need to write more now that I have the opportunity.  To be unsensored.  To allow my self the opportunity to come out of hidding.  I want to, its just that I am afraid that if I do I won't be the same person.  Come to think of it I am not the same person I was a few years ago. 

I don't want to become one of those stereotypical gays.  The ones that you see dancing around screaming at the top of their lungs trying their hardest to be a girl.  Yeah no.  I want to be normal ... Just gay.  That just wounds funny huh? 

Its time to tear down the walls and allow my self to walk into the flame's light.  To those who read this and had no Idea .. now you do and to those of you who don't want to  believe it ..... DEAL with it.

Music rises from the speakers, filling the air with a melody of drums and bass.

Our eyes meet in anxious glances. Hoping that no one else will notice.

I am out of my element, coming from a different place, but wanting the same thing.

A simple smile is exchanged and nothing more.

I watched you dance with her slowly.

One hand on her hip the other in her hand.

I watched as your hips moved in a slow rhythm with hers.

I imagined me in her place.

Could you be thinking what I was wanting.

A smile escaped from your face.

A breath escaped from my lips and I closed my eyes.

I can feel you press up close to me, pulling me in tightly.

Your breath on my neck sends chills down my spine.

You pull me in closer with one hand on my waist the other on my back.

You move me so gently across the floor.

With a steady rhythm we disappear into our own world.

I feel your lips brush past my neck and my heart stops with anticipation.

I open my eyes with touch of your soft lips against mine.

Again I watch you kiss her so softly, hands moving across her chest so gently.

A moment was all I needed. That moment was all I wanted.

You return my gaze once again and smile as I walked away.